mylife

ok.
I decided to speak to the Samaritans. I'm really feeling pretty suicidal at the moment. I really am a mess. I never intended to get affected by this all. I was even looking up what's the best over the counter drug to get to od on. I don't want to end it. But if I'm still feeling this by next week - I really don't know what's going to happen.

Love is one of the most positive emotions humans can experience - it can also be one of the most painful. I'm waiting for a "representative" to contact me again. I couldn't deal with speaking to anyone. My throat feels tight and I feel sick. I'm really beginning to question why I've let myself get like this. I'd been fooling myself all along. How could anyone ever feel any sort of deep emotion for someone like me? They can't.

I often wonder what other people's lives are like. Those that die that don't deserve to and those that are still living that shouldn't be. Partly because of how much a mess they make of life. I think I fit in the latter category.

I should be working today. I'm not. I couldn't face going in. Sitting being reminded of the things that I could deal with whilst I knew her. It was too much. Although, in all honesty - being sat at home here really isn't helping either. I miss her so much.

The funny (if you can say that ) thing is that I honestly doubt she's even thinking about me at the moment. That's what hurts even more....

this is meant to be somewhere where i can remain anonymous. my last blog everyone knew me. i want people to read this blog - i'm not too sure of the purpose of it all. maybe it helps knowing that my thoughts are being written down to another database somewhere.... i don't know.

I'm just messed up at the moment. Why do i need to write a blog at the moment? Where do i start?
...

there was a girl. as there is with most stories. in this story, she'll remain nameless... I thought she liked me. I was wrong. I'd opened my heart up to her and given it to her on a plate, only to get fooled for the past few months in to thinking it was something it wasn't. I don't know if it was ever anything but - maybe i misunderstood the situation, thought she cared.
I was wrong.

I feel so torn inside at the moment. The music that's playing whilst I write this really isn't helping matters. But I don't feel like getting over these feelings at the moment. When I try to - I get scared. Just her being in my life has really helped me deal with everything else that was going on in my life for the past few weeks. Work issues seem mediocre whenever she's around. Matters of life seem trivial when I receive the familiar "ding" of a new email in my gmail account. I used to wake up looking forward to a new day. All that's gone now. And I feel so alone.

Maybe I should have done things differently. Not be so honest, not be so sensitive. Not care. Been one of the bad people, instead of this "nice" person that everyone seems to think I am these days.

I just don't understand things. She asked me if i was prepared to give up perfectly good friendships if things happened with her. After deliberation - I could understand what she meant. And told her that I would stop seeing other people... if things did ever happen between her and I. Why ask that if she never cared? Was I just a welcome distraction to her life, what did she ever think of me, was I just a young idiot who cared too much.

I've done the standard deletion of text messages, removal of emails, deleting email addresses. The one thing I can't bring myself to do is delete a photo of her i've got on my phone.

when i think back about it all. it hurts. the things she said to me. the spelling of words on scrabble boards. the writing out words in lego. was i really that much of a disappointment to her before it had even begun? I feel terrible inside. I'm a mess. I don't know how to feel...